| Why God? |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|11:41 pm] |
God... Why can't things just go my way for once? And why do I always have to learn things the hard way? And why do I make the same mistakes so many times?
I don't want to listen to you.. I don't want to follow your will. I want to do what I want to do. I know it's stupid... I know I really want to follow your will, I know that your plan is best, but sometimes that is so hard to see. I want the joy and happiness in the short term, I don't like to have to wait.
I feel like I am in the same situation now as I was 6 months ago. Loving someone whose heat belongs to someone else. Why am I so stupid? Why do I always get myself into these positions?
Jessica, I love you, and I want to do anything I can for you. And I don't know why... |
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| What was I thinking? |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|04:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
What was I thinking last night. Well, I guess I learned my lesson: Don't get drunk with a beautiful female friend or you might fuck up your friendship. I know you won't be reading this, but I'm sorry. And I know I've already said that, and I know you said that it is ok, and that I didn't do anything wrong, but I can't help but feel like a jerk. (Sorry about the long run on sentence, but I tend to do that when I am upset.) I don't know what the hell I was thinking last night, and I hope it doesn't mess up our friendship. I do like you, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't know what those feelings are right now. I'm just really confused. I've never had feelings more more than one person at a time, and now there are several people. I feel like such an ass. I don't want to hurt anyone. Well, if I say anything else it will just be rambling so i guess I'll stop here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|01:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Iron and Wine- Such Great Heights (Cover of Postal Service) | ] |
Such Great Heights
The Postal Service
(but I'm listening to the Iron and Wine cover of it)
I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.
And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.
And when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon the sending.
and that frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
and this is guiding you home.
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
Well, enough with the song lyrics.
I met this really great girl last night, and actually I'm talking to her on AIM right now. We met at perkins in Kenwood and sat and talked for quite a while without any awkward pauses. It was great. Then we went and had a couple Hoe's (Mmmm... Good beer). It is such a small world, I found out that she knows my friend Sarah's ex-boyfriend Charles. I think Charles hate me now, though I really don't know why. I didn't do anything to him, but oh well. People just aren't rational I guess.
We had a really great time last night. She was raised as a JW (Hey, at least she's not a crazy Mormon, lol) , so we talked about that and about my faith quite a bit. At the end of the night we prayed and then I left. Then we talked on the phone for several hours when I got home. |
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| Nothing Better |
[Dec. 22nd, 2003|01:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
M: sung by male part
F: sung by female part
M:Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs
and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over: I will block the door
like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter
of a tied-game of rivalry
So just say how to make it right
and I swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
F:I feel I must interject here, you're getting carried away,
feeling sorry for youself with these revisions and gaps in history.
So let me help you remember. I've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
F:So please back away and let me go
M:I can't my darling I love you so. oh ohhhh
F:Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
M:don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
M:I admit that I have made mistakes
and I swear I'll never wrong you again
F:you've got a lure I can't deny,
but you've had your chance so say goodbye,
say goodbye |
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| Marry you |
[Dec. 21st, 2003|04:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I thought I'd marry you
I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with you
I loved you completely as completely as i could
You knew how i felt why didn't you tell me how you did
You said you didn't tell me cause you didn't want to hurt me
What, am I not hurt now?
Did you really think waiting would make it better
How many more times would we FUCK before you'd tell me
You knew how i felt why didn't you tell me how you did
I would have told you |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2003|04:50 am] |
spring comes slowly
to this old friend
still i'm frozen
and still live alone
in time
memories fade
senses numb
one forgets how it feels
to have loved completely |
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| FUCKING |
[Dec. 21st, 2003|04:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pedro the Lion | ] |
You say that it meant something... that it was special. But if you weren't in love with me then we weren't making love, we were FUCKING. You can't imagine how bad it hurts to find out that the whole time you were making love to someone that was just fucking you. |
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| i love you |
[Dec. 20th, 2003|01:19 am] |
How do you react when you love somoene and you don't know if they love you back?
Is there anything more painful? Is loving and not being loved back harder than not loving at all? Alll I know is I love you no matter what. |
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| I Love You |
[Nov. 1st, 2003|12:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
I can't even begin to describe why I love you. The feelings and emotions and the decisions that I have made are beyond the scope of the English language. But isn't that what makes it so beautiful? Who wants a love that can be defined my mere words? Words are one of the most basic forms of communication... God has gifted us with much more powerful mediums than words. Words cannot even begin to explain the complexities of the heart... And I think God intended it that way. YHWH... Thank you for giving me the ability love! Help me to love as you love... YHWM... Make my love pure, something that can bring glory to your name.
The best words I could find to describe the way I feel about you were spoken by Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer. I know they may be corny... but oh well.
wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man to grow old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
The way you let your hand rest in mine, my bewitching Sweetheart, fills me with happiness. It is the perfection of confiding love. Everything you do, the little unconscious things in particular, charms me and increases my sense of nearness to you, identification with you,
till my heart is full to overflowing.
-Woodrow Wilson
Love is indescribable and unconditional. I could tell you a thousand things that it is not, but not one that it is.
-Duke Ellington
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
-Henry David Thoreau
I LOVE YOU
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| Love |
[Oct. 26th, 2003|04:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
What is love? Webster says: A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her". The Greek word used for love both times in this verse is Agape. This word did not even exist in the Greek language until Paul coined it in his letter to the Corinithians. There was no Greek word to describe this type of love so Paul created one and defined it as: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." And Paul later tells husbands that this is the way they are to love their wives. He does not use the other Greek words for love: Eros, Phileos, or Stergos when he tells husbands how to love their wives.
What do I need in a girlfriend/spouse?
This is a question that I have asked myself before, but I have never really spent much time thinking about. What is the difference between a best friend and a someone who could potentially be a spouse? Is there a difference? Maybe.
Requirements for being a spouse:
1 Having an intimate and deep attraction
2 Being a best friend
I can see only to requirements... now of course I could break down each of these two into hundreds of smaller things, but these sum everything up. Beyond this... love between a husband and wife is not an emotion. Emotions are weak... emotions change... emotions will fail you. Dear Lord, help me to follow your way. To see love the way you see it. Father, help me to choose to love, and to continue to choose to love. Don't let me base relationships on feelings... but on your love. Amen
Now I'm not saying that feelings and emotions are not important. Emotions can bring about the start of a relationship... they just can't bring it to the finish line. |
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| dazed and confused |
[Oct. 26th, 2003|04:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Live: Lightining Crashes | ] |
Dazed: in a state of mental numbness. Well, I guess that would just about some up the way I feel right now. How can it be that when you think things could not possibly get any more difficult or anymore confusing, it escalates so much more that you can't even see where you were just yesterday? I used to long for change, for excitement, now I yearn to got back to the placidity of those days and the calm they provided. |
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| What A Good Boy |
[Oct. 25th, 2003|12:31 am] |
Anyone reading my journal will probably quickly realize that I like music. You will probably see lots of lyrics posted here.
Barenaked Ladies
"What a Good Boy"
When I was born, they looked at me and said,
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
"What a good girl, what a what a smart girl, what a pretty girl."
We've got these chains that hang around our necks
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.
Chorus
This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me, be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.
I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.
Chorus
I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right,
so instead I looked in the mirror,
watched TV, laid away all night.
We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls ...
Chorus
When I was born, they looked at me and said;
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;
"What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl, hey" |
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| First Entry |
[Oct. 24th, 2003|06:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
Well... this is my first entry, and I don't really know where to begin. More than likely it will seem more like the ramblings of delusional madman than the sane and polished writings of an educated man. But, anyways, on with the rembling.. Life has been rather confusing over the past few weeks. Nothing really seems to make sense. I see my self wondering whether the chaos theory really is true. I then find myself realizing that I am just being foolish and I need to rely on God. Why is it that I don't trust the only One who is trustworthy? |
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